uneasy sleep

We don’t sleep easy,
like we used to.
When there was still time
to see where things would lead,
whether we would or could hang on.
When life was still bigger than these questions,
and the night swallowed them whole.
Last night we slept for reprieve
(recovery would take longer).
Together in our unconscious,
we turned
towards each other.
Our hands touched.
They searched and counted each finger,
intertwining, drawing palm to palm.
Drifting off, I dreamt of grasping something,
determined to crush it,
rather than let go.
But it wasn’t you.
I awoke
with aching fingers
and shame.

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