do not print these on your t-shirt

when all your firsts
have been coerced,
nostalgia is more bitter than sweet

sooner or later
all unrewarded behaviour
however good, will cease

if all endings
were new beginnings
no one would mourn them much

still I make the best
of the next best thing
though it never mesures up

perseverance is praised
only when it pays off
else it’s harassment or waste

now all I want
is to be surprised
but in a really good way

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fine words

Those were perfectly fine
last words chosen to define
the space between
where we were
and are
and won’t be
But there were words
I swirled in my head
and rolled in my throat
never reaching my tongue
to pass from my lips to yours
words swallowed back to emerge
from my fingers
imprinting stains on my heart
on their way to a page
that remains as indifferent
to them as you

honest bio

X lives with her husband and two kids in a house that is bit bigger than their needs, though they share it with their cat and the creatures he hasn’t yet managed to kill. X has a job she likes and does well enough to be appreciated without making a fuss.
X has done lot of different and some unexpected things but never long enough or well enough to be exceptional at any of them, and has thus not been bestowed any awards or distnctions, though she has applied and coped decently with numerous rejections.
She avoids conflict as it usually leaves her in a dimished position, so she swallows back globs of anger and frustration, and bile sometimes rises to make her jokes and smiles too bitter to be liked by most people.
She laughs loud and sings softly under her breath, and her most significant and intense experiences have been mostly in her head. Lately she has been battling the loss of expectation and desire but still fondles hope like a smooth pebble in her pocket before it too is lost. X is extraordinarily ordinary and worth little mention but a bio is customary and as she is usually just bypassed when she tries to stand purposefully apart, she acquiesced this time.

this jester’s end

I told you of thorns
in my side
and pebbles in my shoe
of flakes slowly falling
dithering my views
of lines crossing
coin tossing
the names for snow
just to show
I had one for you
and all those lies
just to deny
rocks’ molten birth
and all you were worth

I drew up pictures
dissected views
offered comments on the news
I sang of pains
and gains and losses
posted signs
on paper crosses
set afloat to reach you

then i sat
and quietly yearned
to know of what
you may have learned
or simply that you’d heard
in my words
something to stir in you
some wonder or just
raise you from your slumber
and then one day
to my dismay
you finally came on out to say–
thank you for all that you gave
now please kindly go away

silence

Silence erases gestures
Fades gazes to a blur
Muffling expression
before it can find words

Silence shoves intentions
To the bottom of the bin
Under stillborn efforts
Aborted from within

Silence blights the ego
With doubt infested sores
Draining all the wonder
From what came before

Silence denies hunger
And despair’s just desserts
Left dangling like dead leaves
Uselessly inert

Silence dispels illusions
That once fueled desires
Heaping flesh and bones
Into a listless pile

Silence rakes up memories
Scarifying the ground
Making sure no spot
To take root can be found

Silence cancels well laid plans
Evading clever tricks
To draw out confessions
And bring some sense to this

Silence removes all targets
Keeping armies at bay
Long enough for walls to rise
Repelling ifs and mays

Thus silence begs one more attack
Though it be doomed to fail
A final act to put an end
To a pointless play

But silence ablates the will
It hollows out the core
Leaving desolation
Where temptation thrived before

So shatter silence with a scream
And raze history to the ground
Rage and riot till your heart’s content
Just do not go without a sound

gutted

I sat there with no need to watch
As I knew the act by heart
So oft I’d dreamt of it, that only
Its blatancy caught me off guard

She flaunted cheap and easy
As if they were compliments
What I couldn’t bring myself to do
She did with clear intent

A helplessness affected
to reveal what would await
With little hesitation
The effort wouldn’t pay

A call to come discover
A feeling I can’t name
Is hardly competition
For such a dazzling flame

She lay In wait wide open
Displaying what she had to give
I waited, hunched above my book
Clutching words, my hands a sieve

And so I watched with my third eye
Waiting for some sign
That I was right and in the end would win
While she took home the prize

With all the grace of one effaced
I tried to disappear
While knowing that my presence
Wouldn’t, couldn’t interfere

I could hate her for making look simple
what ought not be so
But he’s the one who swelled with pride
And cared not that it showed

How painlessly and easy
It all happens for others it seems
While I must sit and twist and churn
And live it out in dreams

I’d felt it all before and waited
for my stomach to turn
But I had been completely gutted
An empty, useless urn

And so I sat dumbfounded
At my vision’s truth revealed
Wishing all the time and care
I gave, could be repealed

But all I was afforded
Was a chance to observe
And now relive the moment
As it turns to words

mentoring

In the end I was a mentor
as that was all I could be
I showed you how good
it can and should be
though that only revealed
what there wasn’t to find
So I guess it’s no wonder
you left me behind

half-life

In my efforts to cleanse
the past with time
I’m astonished to find
even ghosts
have half lives
and trace element trails
they leave
as half lies
perceived
only at dawn’s
first yawn
infecting all belief
in a new day

turning

There are things
I’d like to say
Still more
I’d like to hear
But your silence slices
out my tongue
And boxes up my ears

Remembering
what your back looks like
More clearly
than your smile
I swallow mouthfuls.
of regret
And spit out a goodbye

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