gutted

I sat there with no need to watch
As I knew the act by heart
So oft I’d dreamt of it, that only
Its blatancy caught me off guard

She flaunted cheap and easy
As if they were compliments
What I couldn’t bring myself to do
She did with clear intent

A helplessness affected
to reveal what would await
With little hesitation
The effort wouldn’t pay

A call to come discover
A feeling I can’t name
Is hardly competition
For such a dazzling flame

She lay In wait wide open
Displaying what she had to give
I waited, hunched above my book
Clutching words, my hands a sieve

And so I watched with my third eye
Waiting for some sign
That I was right and in the end would win
While she took home the prize

With all the grace of one effaced
I tried to disappear
While knowing that my presence
Wouldn’t, couldn’t interfere

I could hate her for making look simple
what ought not be so
But he’s the one who swelled with pride
And cared not that it showed

How painlessly and easy
It all happens for others it seems
While I must sit and twist and churn
And live it out in dreams

I’d felt it all before and waited
for my stomach to turn
But I had been completely gutted
An empty, useless urn

And so I sat dumbfounded
At my vision’s truth revealed
Wishing all the time and care
I gave, could be repealed

But all I was afforded
Was a chance to observe
And now relive the moment
As it turns to words

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mentoring

In the end I was a mentor
as that was all I could be
I showed you how good
it can and should be
though that only revealed
what there wasn’t to find
So I guess it’s no wonder
you left me behind

half-life

In my efforts to cleanse
the past with time
I’m astonished to find
even ghosts
have half lives
and trace element trails
they leave
as half lies
perceived
only at dawn’s
first yawn
infecting all belief
in a new day

turning

There are things
I’d like to say
Still more
I’d like to hear
But your silence slices
out my tongue
And boxes up my ears

Remembering
what your back looks like
More clearly
than your smile
I swallow mouthfuls.
of regret
And spit out a goodbye

here I am

I’m
stealing
garbage from
your dumpster
finding less
and
less
each day
feeding off scraps
of moments
discarded
for so long now
I’m thinning
in substance
and resolve
It must be why
you barely notice me
anymore

stasis

Living is what I do
When I’m not thinking of you
I’m often in stasis these days
The sun warms my shoulders
Into feeling less old than
My bark-like skin declares

I spend my days exposed
Like light can appease thirst
And bring life to dried dirt
But it won’t
And I’m left fiddling
With thoughts too belittling
Crumbling last year’s leaves

Branch bared and limb cracked
Waiting for my spine to snap
I keep twisting
Reaching back
To rake up debris from the past
And find a match to light it
Just to keep warm through the night

outlines

A harmless thrill
soon overspilled
The stain we hide
and secretly reframe
calling it found art
Still we are compelled
every so often to hover
and read its shape
for omens or meaning
But it only foretells
how time and use
will meld it into the fabric
of the stories we will weave
to cover it
And no one will know
how it shaped them
And how it changed us

release and

Thoughts of you
dangle round my head
threads entangled in
a vague source of dread
So I won’t pull
lest you unravel
and all I’m left with
is a drabble of memories
bedraggled and worn
barely enough
to keep me warm
or patch up the pieces
torn from my heart
each time we parted

the moon is high
traffic streams by
thoughts of you
now cling to my sides
clumps of words
that burr into my mind
making me rewind
back to times
I best forget
lest they spur
acts I’ll regret

Seems I’ve yet to understand
why acceptance is so grand
when it forces its demands
and leaves nothing
So I sing this dirge
of mumbled words
in the hope I can purge
my need for wanting to hold
and have some control
before I choose
to let you go

kind of

perhaps my vanity explains
why I won’t refrain
from acts that I disdain
partaking just to say
yes, I’m alive today

drawing quirky pictures
painting pointed words
padding expectations
framing the absurd
to make you smile
to make you wince
to try some new way
to only convince you
yes, I’m alive today

oh how I spend my days
all these things I do and say
just to keep the grey at bay
and remember that though
all my colours fade
Hey! I am alive today

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