oppresence

In your presence
I cannot write
I cannot read
I cannot dream
I cannot wonder
I your presence I count
hours and days
that won’t count
but will account
for the waste I leave behind
In your presence
I count the beats
that will never repeat
yet will ever be the same
I your presence I take all
and offer but remarks
of what falls
short of its mark
yet not far enough
to be ignored
In your presence
I long to lay on the ground
and let the rain
wash my remains away
leaving my soul
to seep into the ground

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fine words

Those were perfectly fine
last words chosen to define
the space between
where we were
and are
and won’t be
But there were words
I swirled in my head
and rolled in my throat
never reaching my tongue
to pass from my lips to yours
words swallowed back to emerge
from my fingers
imprinting stains on my heart
on their way to a page
that remains as indifferent
to them as you

degrees of magnitude

You say when you think of me
it’s with nostalgia
a surreptitious smile
spreads across your flushing face

When I think of you
frustration, despair, shame and desire
fuse into a howl of longing
I grimace and cringe

with teeth clenched
waiting for each wave of pain
to finish pounding me
into the dirt by degrees

de(con)struction

if my love were a painting
it would be a splash of red so pure
I’d waste endless canvas
tiling walls in ruddy grey
if only to recapture
some muddy tint or shade

if my love were a song
there’d be a painful strain
just a part of the refrain
and l would squawk
and screech all  night
just to hit that note again

but my love was a touch
in the dark
that brought to light
what ought to stay buried
or shoved out of sight

my love was insistent
it bore like worm
prying you open
with flattering words
pricking and prodding
your conscience to wake
and take a stand

my love was high strung
with intricate lines
to slice you up
and cut you down
how else could I get over you

that last declaration

You’re a hiccup
a glitch
a prickly itch
I make a last ditch effort
to scratch
But that was the last
phrase, lost in praise of
the last phase
the last breath
held and exhaled
my last affirmation
my last exhaultation
in mock exasperation
A concise expression
of my frustration
at all that could never be
So I’m forced to resort
to self-preservation
and grudgingly decree
Yes, I was only joking

leap of faith

I confessed
not to clear the path
nor to lighten my load
but to reveal the divide
between what was and what is
And incite enough need
to build a bridge

And for a moment
stand on it together
before it gave way
to the unbearable weight
of impossibility

But as I took that leap of faith
you turned back
unseeing, unknowing,
I’d crashed on the rocks below

second thought

I’ve been the best of all options
A dim second thought
The least of all evils
And better than nought

I want to be

The summit hovering
above the peak
The core whose name
you dare not speak
A necessary evil
An undeniable need
A hapless wish
tossed into the sea
Falling short and
dying on the shore

All that you were for me

small wish

today I wish for something
to capture my raining thoughts
funnel my straying attention
condense my diffuse will
into a black hole
and obliterate the world inside me
the one in which you pointlessly
and endlessly expand
succumbing me to entropy

liar

I’m the worst kind of liar
I don’t lie to save my skin
nor to manipulate
or shine upon myself
a more flattering light
Hell I don’t even lie
because I wish it were so
I lie to make the words fit
To sound them out
and make of them
enough to fill the days
with what ifs
that may or should otherwise
never be

For instance today I’ll say
I’m in love with you
With these words
I gain nothing
I appear ridiculous
and would invite unwanted disaster
But I say them just to see what could be expounded from them

Like how beautiful garbage
a calming storm
or a wasteful necessity
can only be born
of a sincere lie

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