gutted

I sat there with no need to watch
As I knew the act by heart
So oft I’d dreamt of it, that only
Its blatancy caught me off guard

She flaunted cheap and easy
As if they were compliments
What I couldn’t bring myself to do
She did with clear intent

A helplessness affected
to reveal what would await
With little hesitation
The effort wouldn’t pay

A call to come discover
A feeling I can’t name
Is hardly competition
For such a dazzling flame

She lay In wait wide open
Displaying what she had to give
I waited, hunched above my book
Clutching words, my hands a sieve

And so I watched with my third eye
Waiting for some sign
That I was right and in the end would win
While she took home the prize

With all the grace of one effaced
I tried to disappear
While knowing that my presence
Wouldn’t, couldn’t interfere

I could hate her for making look simple
what ought not be so
But he’s the one who swelled with pride
And cared not that it showed

How painlessly and easy
It all happens for others it seems
While I must sit and twist and churn
And live it out in dreams

I’d felt it all before and waited
for my stomach to turn
But I had been completely gutted
An empty, useless urn

And so I sat dumbfounded
At my vision’s truth revealed
Wishing all the time and care
I gave, could be repealed

But all I was afforded
Was a chance to observe
And now relive the moment
As it turns to words

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odds

They say I’m cold
but I’m just old
not easily moved
by beats oversold
I bide my time
and hold out to find
the rhythm to make me
shake and unwind
to a place and time
where nothing matters

Rats scurry by
the idle chatter
of plans laid in the dark
only to shatter
when the morning comes

But I’m the keeper of secrets
the stasher of lies
I hold them neatly folded
pressed tight to my side

Though they be small
their weight is immense
they pull on my skin
and on my bones
until I hone my senses
enough to remember
only bets against the odds
count as a win

Though I thought
my heart would splinter
seems I’ve made it
through winter
still I’m only tinkering
with the thought
of letting go

So I place my chips
on red again
though everything is black
and nothing seems
even to hint
of colours coming back

the party

Pink lights with no saber
to cut through to real flavours
Just polished faces
traces hidden
between phrases
hinting at what’s missed
How I miss your kiss
tentative and light
defying the gravity
of the act
dissolving facts
into a whitewashed past

I’m out of place
and thought and time
looking for a familiar smile
the music strokes me like a stranger’s touch
There’s not much here to move me
But I can sway
if I must
just to keep the peace
and stave off sleep
that will take me to places
I’d much rather be
than standing here
with throbbing feet
waiting for a beat
that may build up
and drop
hard enough to
kickstart my heart
into leaving

hedges

I want to float on the lake
and hear the city buzz by
instead of this fly
trapped in my car
We’ve both made a wrong turn
this time

In my brain
I rearrange
the signs to spell benign
though I’m inclined
to engage in acts
more outrageous
than partially blinding myself

I pull down the visor against
the light of insight
begrudging better judgement
I think of you in small doses
half of a half of a half
to the impossible measure
where a breath’s breadth
from the treasure
I’ll lunge fully into you
and again misconstrue
all your eyes implored
until I’m lost once more

And if only my wages
were as high as the hedges
the man in the Hendrix shirt trims
Then I’d know how to fix
this mess I’m in
Instead I wonder why the rich
have streets with no sidewalks or names
And if my accent is as lame
as the woman on my phone
directing me home
when I’d rather stay lost just the same

release and

Thoughts of you
dangle round my head
threads entangled in
a vague source of dread
So I won’t pull
lest you unravel
and all I’m left with
is a drabble of memories
bedraggled and worn
barely enough
to keep me warm
or patch up the pieces
torn from my heart
each time we parted

the moon is high
traffic streams by
thoughts of you
now cling to my sides
clumps of words
that burr into my mind
making me rewind
back to times
I best forget
lest they spur
acts I’ll regret

Seems I’ve yet to understand
why acceptance is so grand
when it forces its demands
and leaves nothing
So I sing this dirge
of mumbled words
in the hope I can purge
my need for wanting to hold
and have some control
before I choose
to let you go

pop pop boom

retinal overlay
makes the day glow
orange grove brown
down to the alley
dead end rally
of tin can rattles
for every penny matters
of the heart
stuck with darts
parted from hands
dissolving prayers
rubbed into the layers
of skin thin with
interest in stories
not built by bricking
quick thinking
to a stop
now drop and
hear the call
up on the wall
written for all
to fall down
go underground
duck those bullets
flying about
all the lying
grinding thought
to a halt
one is lost
another blinded
by the signs
all around us
glowing neon
sounding reason
gypsy genes
ankles bared
afros, knees braced
receding hair glare
details detached
fragmented despair
while I digress
in this mess
I must confess
I scan the lines
to find a plot
all I see is what is not

denouement 

Where wonder reigned
habit remains
and memory’s stained
with melodic refrains
dissolved to static
attractions now
only distractions
unworthy of abstraction
and words just
stochastic noise

Still, I stand poised
against a slow demise
holding out for a surprise
ending

half full

I’ve lost my taste for diluted wine
And all that once appeased

Anything less than my desire fulfilled
Is just a pointless tease

Sometimes some is better than none
Or so they say from above

But who want just half of a heart
Or just a bit of love

No, I won’t succumb to winks and hints
of what may never come

Anything less than full to the brim
Won’t ever be enough

daily post

awake again

you’re the ghost that keeps bringing
to each day a new misgiving
to wake me with fists and teeth clenched tight as my chest
to relearn to release the regret
of having done my best to
put conviction to the test
and lay dignity to rest
as I plainly confessed
all you had long ago guessed
and used for your paltry gains
already swept in the pile of remains
to be forgotten

having failed to impress
I continue to protest
while I still have words to attest
that I got so much more than you gave

still days expand
like rubber bands
only to snap my
expectations back
as they draw to a dead rose end
closing me in with my dread
of another night ahead
streaming dreams of change
only to wake with my heart
picked apart and disarmed
yet again

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