save

And I want to save
that poem
and that other one
Fold it into my
pastry cortex here, now,
to find it whenever
I gnaw mindless this way
to remember
that time,
that is
now, when
I was laid out splayed
head ringing with spring breeze
ease leaking thoughts
of fucking awe at all that is
and words’ power to
sow/seed/warp/tear/lift/free
I want to hit SAVE, UPLOAD and
NOTIFY, should I slipslink back
into my place
in the stifling ought display
to await my shelving
SAVE it all to record and remember I was fucking here, I saw
it all, I heard the birds singing
literally for fuck’s sake
for which we do all, after all
Until we are free of fucks,
free to fuck without
sake or stake
n.d. it’s the music and the light
and the vacuum induced murmurs
buzzing secrets to raise me
in a thousand flutters of a heart
from prostrate to panicked
disbelief in reprieve or
something for nothing
Good luck is riding loss
to its end with full lungs

earnest question

When you’ve made peace
with ghosts and regrets,
attended to duties
and promises unkept,
repaired mistakes
and mended fences,
paid your dues with
atonement and repentance
Will you rise from the ashes
of all dreams forlorn?
Or settle with the dust
of afterthoughts to scorn
our misguided trust
that all things sacred,
decent and just
will be rewarded?

lining things up

I stall in the rain
drained of another day
Of setting up pieces
for the play that
never takes place
I remain as I woke
With promises revoked
And expectations of exceptions
like leaves dulled
yellow with deception
I lie about with
nothing but time

Time to sort and rearrange
the blight of change
and the lines it traces
confining us to this page
To chart the findings
that time denied until
there was not time
to take off our binding duties
and soothe our aches
in the rising tide
And if requests to see
through your angry eyes
and the hurt they belied
are vengefully denied
I’ll swim back up the page
to find the source
of my mistakes
Marking the time until
I’m arraigned and
condemned to make time
for atonement

disclaimer

I’ve maimed and disclaimed
all that would be tamed
and laid blame at the feet
of false saviours
Who’s to say my behaviour
does not favour bitter flavours
to save me from endeavours
Doomed to fail 

And if all things pass
and nothing lasts
why cast my gaze
beyond this grass
where I can sit and admit
those bits of shame
to be dismissed
when time comes
to make long lists
of confessions and regrets
at having let
the winds’ whispers hint
there could be more in less

that thing between us

That thing you now
think we have
I made it of words
I gave it shape with, well,
timed pauses

I reflected your light and cast
enough of your doubts
to make you look long
and fall back dizzy
into my arms

I blew smoke into your eyes
to cloud your view
of all that you used
to blind yourself

I gave you crumbs and cake
so you could tell
the difference between
hunger and desire fulfilled
and then cleared the table
of distractions
and just deserts

I stared you down
until you turned away
and came to sit by my side
laying your cards in a row
so I could bestow
my vision and blessings
to the page of hearts
hung upside down
and the hanged man
dancing upright

And the night spilled in
so much ink
wasted in
shaping our shadows
only to be swallowed
by the oncoming darkness

foretelling

I’m going to write
of what will be
When one and one
will equal three
And you’ll be hanging
on the line
Between what’s true
and what’s denied

You’ll blankly stare
at pictures made
Of choices forced
to cover shame
In smoke filled rooms
of solitude
You’ll long for oneness
made of two

You’ll gather dreams
into a pyre
And seek a match
to light the fire
You’ll find me with
my hand stretched out
Each match you light
I will snuff out

A thousand times
if there need be
Until the day
you come to me
Without want,
or need or goal
To sit beside
the truth I hold

originally posted 01.01.2015 on jotnrot

what of it

and what of
all the talks
we don’t have
because this
is not the movies
and astrology
gives no guarantees
and saying
what we both know
won’t change a thing
and then there’s just words
littering the space between
so we can’t even look
at each other
without disappointment
so we avoid contact
smile, joke, seethe
and cry resentment
into dark humour
poured back in shots
of snide comments
until hate settles
to the bottom
of our guts 

let us sit
swollen with words
stomachs full
of hopes mispelled
seeping in,
running through
our veins
flooding our dreams
as we wait for the day
we can calmly expel
their decay  

back seat

I wanted to create
but I cleaned and arranged
and sat and listened instead
It’s less important
than others’ needs
when all is but in my head
Their words rang loud
and clear as signs
of a rail crossing up ahead
And what could I say
that could count in the swell
of a train speeding on its way
I’m a humbler fumbler
still trailing in the smoke left behind
An outlying liar sitting silent
lest I not count for much in the end
I’ve tried to sing and speak words
and spur others to take a chance
Leave what’s best for what’s true
ĺeave what’s safe for what’s right
but I convinced no one

outlines

A harmless thrill
soon overspilled
The stain we hide
and secretly reframe
calling it found art
Still we are compelled
every so often to hover
and read its shape
for omens or meaning
But it only foretells
how time and use
will meld it into the fabric
of the stories we will weave
to cover it
And no one will know
how it shaped them
And how it changed us

crossing past

This river runs as always
Low and dirty as my mind
What won’t flow with it
Gathers behind
Trapping debris
Into piles of a past
Determined to outlast
Its purpose

Once words flowed like tears
Carving rivers of expectations
To carry us beyond intent
Scraping against that rocky bottom
Without feeling the sting

My thoughts wade back
Through the sludge
Looking for shards that shine
Enough worth keeping
Or cut enough
To make me move on

Now beneath there is silence
Only creaks are in my bones
There is nothing to distract me
From knowing I’m alone